I suffered severely from anxiety and depression for more than 30 years. It got worse during high school, and even worse later on, as if it were deliberately trying to make my life as miserable as possible. This is my story of great emotional pain, long years of isolation, misery and utter hopelessness and how I gradually found my way out of this dismal tunnel of despair and into the light of wisdom, joy and great relief.
Along with all the problems one usually gets when growing up, the symptoms of panic disorder and not at first knowing what they were, devastated my days at school and ruined my concentration with schoolwork. I would come home completely exhausted, frustrated and unable to concentrate on anything, especially homework. I had a very limited social life and no girlfriends. I suffered for what seemed like an eternity from social anxiety, loneliness, severe acne, mysterious weight loss, and crippling depression. I had an extreme dislike of most kinds of team sports and had a really hard time trying to fit in anywhere. From grade school to high school, I suffered much hazing from others and much rejection and "unrequited love" from members of the opposite sex I felt attracted to, resulting in a vicious cycle of continued social anxiety, resentment of other's popularity and success, and my overwhelming sense of rejection, isolation and alienation.
The suffering continued through college (where I studied nutrition, psychology, astronomy and especially art) and into my work years. I could only find jobs that were simple and stress free such as gardening, painting and handyman type projects. I finally had a job taking care of an office building with a garden and fountain that required much continuous maintenance and support. I am still working there today.
Throughout the '70s, '80s and '90s, I tried in vain to find the cause of my suffering through religions, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. only to be severely disappointed by their "its all in your head" diagnosis! It seemed FAR worse than just "anxiety neurosis" or the later diagnosis of "anxiety disorder"! I couldn't believe it. I thought I either had to have heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, strokes, tumors, diabetes, lead poisoning, mercury, DDT, or any combination of the above! You name it, It felt like I had it! But, over and over all my tests revealed nothing substantial or really significant, no toxins, no poisons, nothing that made sense or was helpful.
I tried counseling, Christianity, Christian and Religious science, eastern religions, meditation, yoga, and positive thinking for many years, but still my problems only got worse. I started feeling more and more like a nutcase and a good candidate for insanity as more and more of my family and friends gave me the "its all in your head so snap out of it" insult-to-injury "treatment." Nearly all of my acquaintances had no understanding or sympathy for my chronic problems so they left me alone. I spent most of my time very much alone and isolated. Being with people scared me so much I often had to run to an isolated, quiet room or area where no people were around. I could not fill out any forms or sign my name on my check or credit card receipt in public because I would shake too much. Some of my signatures looked absolutely bizarre and any forms filled out illegible. I went through hell just trying to fill out a simple job application.
Conversations would end abruptly because I kept losing track of what I was going to say next and would have trouble remembering what the other person said. I would have to stop in mid sentence, because I could not complete it, resulting in incredible embarrassment, another anxiety attack, and feeling like an idiot. This mental block would nearly always happen at the worst possible or critical moment such as when having to explain a very serious problem, during an emergency confrontation, or speaking in front of a group of people, resulting in an incredibly severe fear of public speaking and socializing of any kind. Whatever it was, when I needed it the most, I would have it the least!
I also had many physical symptoms too that drove me crazy. My heart kept skipping beats, and/or speeding up and keeping awake all night (especially if on ANY sort of medication), making me think I was having a heart attack. I would often have horrible nightmares then wake up terrified in a cold sweat and total confusion. I would not be able to sleep again until five in the morning. Then I would have to sleep all day to compensate for the nightly insomnia and to cope with the devastating stress, vertigo, and depression. I also felt a great sense of unworthiness, tiredness and fatigue that drove me nuts whenever I needed to get anything done. Expenses would accumulate, and I could never get ahead financially, no matter how hard I fought the overwhelming urge to sleep all the time, especially after eating. Greatly misunderstood, I was considered by others as very lazy, under the influence (even though I NEVER took anything), and a poor achiever or so much "dead wood" as I was unable to support myself. Imagine all this happening while growing up and trying to find my own place in the world!!
After a few massive anxiety attacks In 1982, I became almost permanently agoraphobic. In order to avoid terrible panic, I always had to stay within my local neighborhood or within the city limits. This problem was a disaster for dating, and so had to remain lonely. As I grew older, I became more and more angry and cynical about life. I would often get so frustrated that I would lose my temper and break things. I must have thought of a hundred different ways to end my life, so desperate was I to stop the severe emotional pain, but was too afraid to try anything. My life felt like an internal concentration camp or hell on earth. My severe weight loss trying to avoid foods I was "allergic" too even made me look like a concentration camp victim. Nothing I ate would put on weight anyway, it would just go right on through, causing severe gas, bloating and diarrhea. Nothing in my life went right, not even my digestion!!!
Throughout this time (early 80's to early 90's) I tried various medications such as imipramine, xanax, tranxine, and buspar. They were expensive and only gave me very disruptive and embarrassing side-effects with no benefits. In fact, It seemed every medication I tried only made my symptoms (depression, panic attacks, spaciness, memory lapses, vertigo, fatigue, and frightening heart symptoms) much worse, especially the imipramine, which I had to endure two separate trials for 6 weeks. I eventually became so frustrated and upset with medications, I permanently stopped taking them, especially with having to wait for so many weeks for them to "work" only to find they have the opposite effect! This is NOT to discourage others who are trying medications, especially now that there are so many more available that act faster and have fewer side-effects.
Forced in my situation to try something different, I looked into such things as diet, herbs, and alternative medicine. I tried experimenting with diet for many years, but with only limited results that sometimes even seemed to backfire like the drugs did. However, the results were enough to convince me to look even further into the subject of nutritional therapy and to verify if such a thing did in fact exist. By the late 80's I had finally developed an "Atkins" type diet high in raw fruit/vegetable juices, cooked green vegetables, and complete proteins, such as fish, chicken and organ meats plus many herbal and vitamin supplements. This new diet actually seemed to keep my depression and anxiety under a certain amount of (intermittent) control! As I continued throughout the '90s to "tinker" around with my diet, because I knew there had to be something to it, I found even more foods that helped and was able to identify foods that did not. No longer was the notion that one c ould treat emotional problems with just diet a hopeful fantasy! It was real! This bit of encouragement spurred me on with even greater thoroughness, fanaticism and great zeal.
As time went on, the diets I found myself on where more and more vegetarian, with continuing improvement, but there was still much room for more improvement. I started drinking loads of water between meals instead of snacking, which resulted in even more encouraging improvement. I realized snacking was in itself a cause of many food sensitivities, dental problems, and bad mental, emotional and physical reactions that would not otherwise take place if all foods eaten in a day were grouped together in one wholesome, complete meal, while the rest of the day is spent detoxifying on drinking water.
In 1994, I wrote a book about an entire yogic system and lifestyle that's supposed to lead to bliss, enlightenment and wholeness. Naturally, I become extremely obsessed with my health and what I ate and how I ate for many, many years to come. I would often spend all day in libraries, behind books, etc. (and later the internet) doing intense research on diet, nutrition, and neurochemistry. People avoided me because diet was all I talked about and found it very difficult to get away from the subject. Careful and limited, scientifically guided eating was my saviour and only hope for existence without fear and crippling depression.
Please go on to Part 2 of this article.
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